News Roundup - Family, Custody, and Everything in Between

Been active on our NCP Community Facebook page posting articles of interest to noncustodial parents, so join the fan page to get timely news. For the blog, makes sense to just round it up:)

My personal favorite news story was "Fed education chief to dads: Turn off TV, read" because despite the hard-line approach the Administration is taking with fathers, they have acknowledged weakness in the system! In response to the suggestion from the audience that schools send notices and report cards to noncustodial fathers, even those in prison, Duncan said he agreed!! Finally it is starting to be acknowledged: "We as educators haven't done a good job with this two-way street idea...the only way I'm going to do that is to incorporate the family."

Legalities & Parenting with your Ex:

• Laying the Foundation for a Custody Battle: A must-read for parents going through separation/custody mediation - on how to keep your cool and put everything in writing.
• Ask A Lawyer: Can We Have A Flexible Custody Plan?
• Overnight Parenting Time with Infants and Toddlers: A reminder that time at both parents houses is a GOOD thing, and it should happen early if possible. There are ways to arrange this gently with little disruption for children.
• Tips for noncustodial parents to stay connected to their kids: We face unique challenges!
• Judge Tells Mom: Punish Kids For Skipping Visits With Dad: It's crucial that custodial parents enforce visitation. Having both parents involved is in children's best interests, and part of parenting is transforming those rebellions into teachable moments.
• A noncustodial father goes back to court and wins primary, physical custody through rearranging his work and "greater efforts to make the child a primary aspect of his life." An interesting piece that comments on the less-sensational side of family court, when both parents were acknowledged to be good & loving - but one must be designated as primary physical custody.

On child support:

• Situations change, but child support slow to follow: Despite a great deal of media about child support payments being reduced, the process can take time.
• Indiana to research alternatives to incarceration for non-payment of child support: "Failure to pay court ordered child support is rarely the result of refusal to comply with the court's order."
• Are Child Support Laws Equitable and Fair For Both Parents?
• Court Requires Custodial Parent to Pay Child Support Payments to Noncustodial Parent
• A Good Father - He's Just Unemployed
• A new documentary has premiered, "Support? System Down," focusing on the fundamental flaws in America's Family Courts regarding the Divorce and Child Support System. I have not seen it yet but definitely will.

NonCustodial Moms

• Moving blogpost by a Non-Custodial Mother about the challenges she faces: "So, in the context of I AM A NON-CUSTODIAL MOTHER, I have chosen to focus on the mother part. The part that knows her daughter."
• On the Dr. Phil show about noncustodial moms, Maria Housden did an incredible job discussing the issues. Dr. Phil is aggressive, but she holds her own and really helps separating parents by offering her experience as a lesson -- that we should ALWAYS document everything legally.
• Video testimonial from Maria's daughtersthat they did not feel "abandoned" by her and that it hurts them when people say terrible things about her.
• Dr. Phil's blogpost in response to the enormous amount of feedback to the noncustodial mom show. Unfortunately still in attack mode as he critiques parents who "unplug" from their kids, which is not what most separating parents are doing or want to do.

Parenting Tips:

• Long-distance parenting: Technology can help
• 10 ways to teach kids about sexism
• Michelle Obama says: "being a good mother isn't all about sacrificing. It's really investing and putting yourself higher on your priority list."

NCP Splash Headline of the Week:

• American jailed in Japan for trying to reclaim his children: Setting aside the very complex details of the case... I was impressed that the school called the noncustodial dad on the first day of classes to say his kids hadn't arrived! Not sure all schools would do that.

Court Requires Custodial Parent to Pay Child Support Payments to Noncustodial Parent

Because of "disparate incomes and nearly equal parenting time," some noncustodial parents are being recognized in Indiana as needing child support. In this case, the custodial parent made 10 times the income of the noncustodial parent, but the actual parenting was almost 50/50. What a great decision to be made in the interests of the children who need support from both parents! It's so important that courts take the whole situation into account, this is an important step.

Here is the article (thanks to Indiana Journal Gazette for covering this important issue!):


Court modifies support payments: Non-custodial parents could get aid for children Angela Mapes Turner
Indiana Journal Gazette

The Indiana Supreme Court last week issued sweeping changes to the state’s child-support guidelines that will take effect Jan. 1.

The changes could mean some parents who don’t have primary custody of their children will actually receive child-support payments from custodial parents.

“It’s a real reversal of what people think of generally when they think of child support,” said Ryan Cassman, a central Indiana attorney at Hollingsworth & Zivitz P.C. who wrote about the changes at www.indianadivorceblog.com.

Indiana’s child-support guidelines use a worksheet to calculate child-support payments and balance them with income and the amount of time parents spend with their children.

For example, a custodial parent might earn $200,000 a year and have custody of a child 52 percent of the time. The other, non-custodial parent, could have the child the remainder of the time but earn only $20,000 a year.

Although it seems counterintuitive, in a case like that, with disparate incomes and nearly equal parenting time, child support might be owed to the non-custodial parent, Cassman said.

“Those labels could be misleading,” he said.

Two judges dissented because they thought the decision should be left to the courts, not presumed.

The court also made changes that affect those at the highest and lowest ends of the income scale, reducing the lowest amount of child support that can be required and raising the highest amount.

The changes also give more recognition to situations where requiring unrealistic child-support payments from non-custodial parents who can’t pay could cause those parents to take a lesser role in their children’s lives.

“Ordering support for low-income parents at levels they can reasonably pay may improve non-custodial parent-child contact, and in turn, outcomes for their children,” the order said.

Besides changes affecting parents who receive Social Security payments, the guidelines more clearly define who must pay for a child’s “controlled expenses” – things such as school books and supplies, educational costs and clothing.

Many of those changes were already in case law, but Cassman said the new guidelines will help parents, attorneys and courts sort through costs.

“You kind of had to piece that together before,” he said.

Welcome to the NonCustodial Parent Community

**Welcome to new members of the NonCustodial Parent Community site!**

Since I was featured in Marie Claire and on the TODAY show, I have received a flood of emails and Facebook messages, new fans for the Facebook page (facebook.com/noncustodialparent), and followers on Twitter (@ncpcommunity). I'm so thrilled to be connecting with noncustodial moms and dads around the country -- and I'm so glad to hear that this media attention to gender and child custody issues has given a sense of community to noncustodial parents who often feel isolated.

Definitely want dads involved here -- Although recent news has been about moms, I write about dads too, recent blogposts specifically about dads here, here, and here. This site is for noncustodial parents, both moms and dads because we have more in common than not, and we need to support each other. I have seen a lot of sites dedicated to fathers'/mothers' rights that are angry and choose to attack the parents across gender lines...

But this site is dedicated to sharing experiences, strategies, and solutions, to challenge biases about noncustodial parents, and to raise awareness about the issues families are facing every day. Giving up or losing custody is such a personal experience, and every family story is unique. Any parent who has gone through divorce/separation knows that "choice" often has very little to do with the resulting custody arrangement. In my recent survey of 100 NCP Community moms & dads, one of the questions asked was whether or not your custody arrangement was "voluntary." Here's what we found:

• 41.2% reluctantly agreed, but wanted custody and feel that they were forced into it.
• 35.1% fought for custody and lost.
• 26.8% chose to be the noncustodial parent because they thought that was the best situation for their child(ren).

Even in the best of circumstances, a "friendly" divorce, there are challenges we can't possibly anticipate, and emotions that logic & reason cannot dictate. However, we know that we must do what is in the best interest of our kids, for today and for the long haul. Some of us are fighting for custody, some of us are not. But we should all be valued as parents and involved in every possible way in our children's lives, from academics to health to ethical upbringing.

TODAY Show! Moms Who Give Up Custody

NonCustodial Parent Community founder Rebekah Spicuglia was a featured guest on the Today Show to talk about her experience as a noncustodial mom! Would love for you to share your thoughts by commenting here on the NCPCommunity site. There is also a live discussion happening on the Today Show, click here to add your thanks and feedback about the segment.

Thanks so much to the Today Show, Marie Claire, and the many media outlets who have picked up this important piece, highlighting noncustodial moms in an honest, postive way -- and also supporting dads who are just as equally great caregivers as moms are! We need to consider as a society what we are saying about dads when we insist that moms should get the kids.

Also, it is a reminder that every family is different, and custody decisions are very complex. As parents we make the best decisions we can with the best interests of our kids at heart:)

Here's the video:

Happy 15th National Parents Day!!

Today (Sunday, July 26, 2009) marks the 15th Annual National Parents Day, a holiday established to “uplift ideal parental role models.” Passed by unanimous Congressional Resolution and signed into law by Bill Clinton, Parents Day was created to provide an opportunity to celebrate the important roles parents have in helping children grow up successfully, and as President George W. Bush said in his 2008 proclamation on Parents Day, "As a child's primary teachers, parents are responsible for their child's education, and their efforts will contribute to a more hopeful future for our country. Parents can help shape our Nation by encouraging young people to make the right choices, become responsible citizens, and achieve their dreams."

As we celebrate Parents Day, the President, First Lady, and First Mother-in-Law of the United States are parenting two young girls. The Obamas represent the most diverse family we have had in the White House to date, and "Obama-Robinson family's move to the White House seems like a symbolic end point for the once-firm idea that people of different backgrounds should not date, marry or bear children."

In fact, National Parents Day, unlike the heavily promoted and merchandised Mother's and Father's Days that by their very nature tend to reflect gendered expectations around parenting, really broadens the discussion of family in all its diversity. Today's celebration is inclusive, celebrating ALL parents, and without a strict definition of mom+dad+baby=family. So we are not excluding same-sex couples, single parents, noncustodial parents, step-parents, extended families, or anyone who might sometimes feel left out of traditional holidays framed around out-dated expectations of how most children are parented. The modern family is a complex, multi-layered, ever-expanding being, and (as the Family Equality Council says), all families, regardless of creation or composition, should be supported by communities that recognize, respect, protect, and celebrate them. As a noncustodial long-distance mom, I have written about my feelings on Mother's Day, a holiday that hasn't felt truly mine since I agreed to let my son's father retain custody. Yet, I am a fully engaged, committed parent, and knowing that there is a national day of celebration for the everyday parenting I do is so exciting.

Also, with National Parents Day, we are not just honoring parents, but the parenting itself. We acknowledge as a country that parents everywhere are offering guidance, love, and support to our children, empowering them to be productive citizens, dynamic men and women, and in the not-too-distant future, effective parents themselves. There is an excellent piece on the Huffington Post, written by Rhonda Present, that offers tribute to parents but also urges the Obama administration to not merely call on America's parents to take a more active role in their children's lives but to address:

"the failure of our society to fully invest in parenting rather than blaming parents for not adequately fulfilling our responsibilities. Because the truth is that despite how negatively we may be portrayed in the headlines, most parents are not shirking their duties. Rather, we are working hard -- sometimes holding down two or three jobs -- and making extraordinary sacrifices to give our children the best possible life. And, when it comes to community service, the hours we spend volunteering in our children's schools, houses of worship and neighborhood organizations are too numerous to count.

"Yet, even with all that we somehow manage to squeeze into our 24-7 schedules, far too many us are struggling to find the time it takes to be the kind of mother or father we want to be. From the very moment we enter the ranks of parenthood, we are confronted with the harsh reality that the work of raising children lacks the support it deserves."

Let's consider all the ways that we can support parents and children.  Paid family leave and health care reform would go a long way to give our children a healthy start and a healthy life. 

And for all who work with children, please remember the noncustodial parents who are actively involved in their children's lives.  When authorities respect and include noncustodial parents in the important discussions on our children's health, education, and well-being, they are working to ensure that our children's needs are being met.

Staying Together for the Kid? Considering Divorce?

The Boston Globe missed an opportunity this week to paint an optimistic picture for divorcing parents.

In the "Dear Meredith" column, this question was posed by a reader: "I recently discovered that my wife is (or was at least) having an affair... If we were child and mortgage free, I would have had my things packed before she got home. But we have a beautiful three-year-old boy who is the center of my life. Unfortunately, if I confront her about this, there is a very real possibility that I will lose my son. My dad left home when I was about that age, and we did the weekend thing for a while, but it's not the same. I don't think it's possible to parent a child from another house."

Meredith's response offers some helpful advice about opening a discussion up with the reader's wife to see if their relationship may be salvaged, and then she offers: "I get the sense that your real question here is whether miserable couples should stay together for the children. My opinion is -- no, they shouldn't. You say you can’t parent from another home. I’d say you can’t parent well if you’re living in an angry home. Children are perceptive. They hear fights. They sense stress. They understand resentment. Splitting a family between two homes isn't ideal, but it works. To me, it’s better than everyone living together as one, big, unhappy unit.... if it’s really over, don’t stay together just because you love your son. It's not your parental obligation to be miserable but present. What you’re supposed to do is create a loving, happy environment for your son and have him around as much as possible."

While I appreciate the affirmation that parents should not stay together "for the kid" because it is destructive for all involved, I am disappointed that she did not emphatically affirm that parents CAN parent from another home. We do it every day! What is "ideal" is beside the point to parents who are separating. Half of all marriages end in divorce and almost 40% of children are born to unmarried couples. When parents separate or divorce, a solid coparenting, joint custody arrangement is the best option and in fact is increasingly common, but even when parents are able to work closely together, most often the child will reside primarily with one parent and "visit" with the other. This can and does work every day, and families thrive. No noncustodial parent has to resign himself (or herself) to being the "weekend dad" -- even if those visits ARE on the weekends or less frequently, our face-to-face with our children hardly encompasses all the ways we support them and all that we share together with them.

Meredith should have suggested that if the dad does indeed go thorough with divorce that he seek custody, which is becoming more and more common (2.2 million noncustodial moms and counting), or he could seek joint custody and work out a coparenting arrangement that will be beneficial for his child. He could also find parenting support groups to help him during these difficult times. There are many of us out there who have been through it, and we are able to help each other.

Noncustodial Moms (and NCP Community!) in the Media Spotlight

Yay!!  Our NonCustodial Parent Community has had a busy month, thanks to the support of some key media outlets, noncustodial moms and dads, and the growing network of people who have supported our mission along the way.

NYTimes Motherlode, Feministing, The Frisky, and About.com's Women's Issues Blog all wrote about Marie Claire's article on noncustodial moms, in which I was featured.  Anti-Racist Parent has laid the groundwork for expanding the stereotype-breaking to noncustodial moms of color as well.  I was interviewed by WBAI's HealthStyles radio show and CoParenting101.org about being a noncustodial mom and the truth about noncustodial parents.  GirlWPen also posted a guest post from me about boys coming of age and my search to find educational materials that reflect my values.  NYT Motherlode also posted a guest post from me about how to keep our heads when airlines misplace our precious unaccompanied minors!  

I have received many touching emails from NCP Community readers who have found the site and are so grateful for this space to discuss experiences that are often hard for us to talk about. I have also connected with many people through Facebook and Twitter.  It means so much to find other like-minded folks out there, and also thrilling to see the media coverage of these important issues evolving. 

In other news, it has been two and a half weeks since our NonCustodial Parent survey was launched, and already have over 50 respondents!  I am eager to start sharing results, but we should wait a bit longer because the more respondents we get, the more useful the data is, and word is still getting out.  The survey is available in the top right corner of the NCP Community site, and here is a direct link: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=mDJqL_2frC_2bNQT2ym_2bqOCiuw_3d_3d

Thanks to Justice4Mothers for posting the survey, and if there are any other readers/bloggers out there who can get the word out, even by just posting on Facebook, that would be great.  The survey is for noncustodial MOMS and DADS.  By sharing your experiences, you will help the noncustodial parent community work on strategies and solutions, as well as challenge biases about noncustodial parents and raise awareness about the issues families are facing every day.

As a reminder, you can find the NonCustodial Parent Community via email, Facebook, and Twitter:

• Email: noncustodial.mama@gmail.com 
  
• Twitter: @ncpcommunity 
  
• Facebook: NonCustodial Parent Community
  

How Does A Feminist Mom Teach About Sex?

As NCP Community readers know, I have been exploring ways to talk to my son about puberty and sex that educate beyond biology, providing a base for the man he will become.  We are already having conversations that go beyond his personal experience and really delve into prevention of domestic violence and rape culture, not just for him but with his peers as well.  

So, I was thrilled to read this post on Feministing: Ask Professor Foxy: How Does A Feminist Mom Teach About Sex?  which emphasizes age-appropriate communication and many, many "teachable moments."  Lots of great tips in the comments too! 

Report Shows Unions Have Positive Impact on Family-Friendly Workplace Policies

As Congress prepares to debate the Employee Free Choice Act, a new report from my alma mater, UC Berkeley, shows that unions have a positive impact on family-friendly workplace policies. To download “Family-Friendly Workplaces: Do Unions Make a Difference?” go to UC Berkeley Center for Labor Research and Education or Labor Project for Working Families.

From the report's press release: "Unions have a positive impact on family-friendly workplace policies like paid family leave, paid sick days, family health insurance, and child-care benefits... As more Americans are struggling to raise and care for their families at the same time they’re holding down a job, workplace policies that facilitate a work-family balance are becoming increasingly important."

The release also notes that "Family-friendly workplace policies are more important than ever before because more families are jugging work and care-giving responsibilities. For example, nearly 25 percent of U.S. households provide care to people aged 50 or older; and 75 percent of children live in families where all parents work."

Some key findings:

• Unionization promotes compliance with the Family and Medical Leave Act. Unionized employees are more likely to have heard of the Family and Medical Leave Act, have fewer worries about taking leave, and are more likely to receive fully paid and partially paid leaves.
• Comparing hourly workers who take family and medical leave, 46 percent of unionized workers compared to 29 percent of nonunionized workers receive full pay while on leave.
• Unionized workers are 1.3 times as likely as nonunionized workers to be allowed to use their own sick time to care for a sick child, and they are 50 percent more likely than nonunionized workers to have paid personal leave that can be used to care for sick children.
• Companies with 30 percent or more unionized workers are five times as likely as companies with no unionized workers to pay the entire family health insurance premium. Even when unionized employees are required to pay part of their family insurance premium, they pay a much lower share of the premium than nonunionized workers do.

“As Congress prepares to debate the Employee Free Choice Act in coming months, policy makers should understand that unions have helped improve workplace policies for thousands of working families and could do the same things for millions of families if EFCA becomes the law of the land,” said report co-author Netsy Firestein, executive director of the nonprofit Labor Project For Working Families.

To download “Family-Friendly Workplaces: Do Unions Make a Difference?” go to http://laborcenter.berkeley.edu or http://www.working-families.org

Talking to Your Kids about a Move Away

There is a great piece by Carrie at DistanceParent.org on how to talk to your kids about a move away: I’m Going to Move Away… How do I Talk to My Child About it?

To move away from a child is an extremely difficult decision, and no loving parent makes this choice lightly. We must make the best decisions in our power. While living in the same house or at least the same city is ideal for everyday parenting, it is possible to be a great parent from a distance as well. It is important that we take care of ourselves, to make sure that we can provide for our kids. There are also many levels of distance -- and we do the best we can with what we have. Not a day goes by that I don't run through the decisions I have made in my mind, but whenever I do, I feel confident that I am making good choices for my family. In fact, I have been able to broaden my son's life experiences by bringing him to visit me in San Francisco, New York, and France. Each family must determine what works best for them, and despite what people may think, sometimes there really isn't any other option.

In this article, Carrie offers some solid recommendations for how to make a move away as positive an experience as possible for your kids:
--Find support through sites geared towards long distance parenting
--See it as a positive yourself.
--Anticipate the negatives and come up with some remedies.
--Go crazy researching long distance parenting ideas.
--Think of all the great things that the other parent will be able to give your child.
--Put together a plan for how you will stay involved.
--Put together a statement of intent for how you would like to co-parent.

And final note: "If you are a total team cheerleader on behalf your child AND the other parent, YOU can make it work."

Click here to read the whole article.

Sharing Family Photos from a Distance

Wow, found this cool site today for families who want to share calendars and photos from a distance: http://www.familycrossings.com/. It offers family websites for free and other services. Seems to take security very seriously, which we parents value so highly!!

Have not used it myself, but I appreciate that their intention is to keep families connected. Also has a calendar function meant to keep noncustodial parents in the loop on changing schedules and day-to-day activities.

Deployed Military Parents: Choosing Custody or Duty

The San Francisco Chronicle has published a must-read piece on what our service members face when it comes to custody of their children: Deployed Military Parents: Choosing Custody or Duty

As a former Navy brat, I can testify that military life is very hard on families, especially when parents are divorced. According to the piece: "Neither the military nor the U.S. courts has fully recognized this reality, and when problems arise with child care and custody arrangements, enlistees find themselves in uncharted legal territory that neither system is equipped to handle."

The piece begins with Hayes stationed in Iraq:

On Christmas 2006, Lisa Hayes slung her rifle across her shoulder and headed over to the row of phones at Camp Cropper. Every day for the past three weeks, the National Guard member had been calling the States from Baghdad, trying to reach her young daughter, Brystal. The little girl, then 6, was living with her father, Hayes's ex-husband, Tim Knight, while her mother was in Iraq. Hayes had always been able to reach her before, but now each time she called, she listened to the phone ring and ring, and no one ever answered. Worried, she phoned the police in Dublin, NH, the next day -- having no idea as she dialed that she was about to become the public face of a growing crisis confronting servicemembers overseas with children back home.

Hayes has since had to choose between custody of her child or duty to the National Guard:

The trouble stems, in part, from a clash between local and federal law. State law covers family matters, while many military issues fall under federal jurisdiction. These two systems can be completely out of sync, with the military often seeming unaware of state-court requirements, and family courts apparently oblivious to military needs.

Hayes resolved her crisis by deciding that Brystal had to come first; instead of returning to Iraq at the end of her leave, she stayed in New Hampshire. In April 2007, she was officially charged with desertion.

Click here to read the whole piece:
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2009/07/16/hearstmagfamily300514.DTL&type=printable

And if you are a noncustodial parent in the military, please fill out this quick, anonymous survey about the challenges you are facing!! http://bit.ly/1LKmFJ

So-called "deadbeat dad" Jailed Wrongly, Released After a Year

CNN and many other news sites have highlighted the case of Frank Hatley, who "spent the past year in jail for being a deadbeat dad. But there's one problem -- Hatley doesn't have any children. And the 'deadbeat' label doesn't fit the 50-year-old either" because he was paying for 13 years until he found out the child wasn't his. It is tragic whenever anyone is wrongly imprisoned -- it is good to see that the truth has come to light, and he is being released.

The best interests of our children come first -- and they need parents who are providing for them. However, the term "deadbeat dad" is applied too loosely (a subject for a longer post later). Also, there are are cases of mistaken identity, need for paternity testing, or an inability to pay in full due to this economic downturn. Noncustodial parents can petition the court for a reduction in child support payment, but it sometimes takes time. Hatley, like many dedicated noncustodial parents, made payments even when he lost his job, out of his unemployment check, but twice he was jailed for inability to pay, and he has recently been homeless.

As child support collection efforts are stepped up to assist the many custodial moms (and dads) who seek financial support for their children, we need to remember our American values and ensure that people are innocent until proven guilty, especially before jailing them.

Great work by Cook County Sheriff Johnny Daughtrey and Southern Center for Human Rights for helping in this sad situation.

Click here to read: Childless man freed after serving time for child support violations

Send a Note of Thanks to Marie Claire

For those who have found the Marie Claire article on noncustodial moms to be enlightening, please send a note of thanks to editor-in-chief JoannaColes@hearst.com.

You may also consider posting a comment on the piece itself:
http://www.marieclaire.com/world-reports/news/latest/mothers-giving-up-custody

Thanks!!
Rebekah

p.s. You can find the Marie Claire article and more on our Facebook page!

Marie Claire: Moms Giving Up Custody

Marie Claire has published an incredible 3-part profile on moms without custody that everyone should read. It includes Maria Housden, best-selling author, and Ellie Hull, a woman who decided to give up custody in order to "go back to school, get a decent career, and be a better mom."

My participation (I am profiled on page 3) began last year, when I wrote what I consider to be my "coming out" essay about my experience as a noncustodial mom. Marie Claire editor Lea Goldman came across my story, and I fit a model that would challenge the noncustodial mom stereotypes -- women who relinquished custody of their children, not because they were forced to, but because it was the right, loving choice in the best interests of their children. Sharing my story emboldened me, and the incredibly supportive response I received from colleagues, family, and friends inspired me to do more. In the year since, I launched my blog and have served as a noncustodial parent spokesperson on family issues.

So, having come such a long way from initially spilling my personal story, I was a bit shocked to see the headline ("What Kind of Mother Leaves Her Kids?"), with my name listed beneath it. I was afraid to read it at first -- but it is my story, more raw and personal than I have ever seen it in print, but honest. And it is my hope that other noncustodial moms will read it and realize they are not alone. That we all rethink gendered assumptions around parenting. And that school authorities, medical professionals, and others in position in our children's lives will afford noncustodial moms a little more respect.

I am so grateful to Marie Claire - and Lea Goldman in particular - for their dedication to a story that expands the narrative of noncustodial moms beyond Britney Spears tabloid. The subtitle of the piece reads, "Divorcing dads give up custody every day. Increasingly, so do moms. So why are they judged more harshly for it?" I also appreciate that they included a note at the conclusion of the piece titled "Who Gets the Kids," which helps explain the basics of child custody, something a lot of people do not know.

For those interested in reading more about the challenges that noncustodial moms and dads face in raising our children, I encourage you to check out my recent interview with CoParenting 101.

Time's Obsession with Marriage and the Nuclear Family

Caitlin Flanagan's latest drivel - "Is There Hope for the American Marriage?" - would make me laugh except that her defense of the outdated nuclear family is so ridiculous, the piece is so flawed, that its being published by Time magazine actually concerns me.

Where do I start? I suppose I will set aside Flanagan's (1) apparent disregard for the serious reasons that parents separate (her anecdotal examples focusing exclusively on high profile, mostly political figures) and (2) her melodramatic, retro insistence on the absolute necessity for a married man and woman in the home for children to thrive (writing that "no other single force causing as much measurable hardship and human misery in this country as the collapse of marriage"; marriage is a "matchless tool for the infliction of suffering on the people you supposedly love above all others, most of all on your children"; "When children are born into a co-habiting, unmarried relationship... they arrive in a family in which the principals haven't resolved their most basic issues").

My focus is on Flanagan's obsession with traditional gender roles and relationships.

First, she makes it seem that responsibility for pregnancy and childbirth falls entirely to women, writing that "the vast majority of unmarried women having babies are undereducated and have low incomes" and "births to unmarried women have reached an astonishing 39.7%" (here, inexplicably inviting us to view "pictures of love in the animal kingdom"?) Flanagan's concern for children's wellbeing would be much more plausible if an effort was made to impart responsibility equally between parents. Clearly, these women did not impregnate themselves.

Secondly, there is an unstated assumption in the piece that in most families after divorce, women get full-time custody and that men duck out (morphing into check-suppliers and occasional visiting parents). While that might have been a tradition previously, it is certainly one that is dying out. Not only does that assumption leave out the numbers of noncustodial moms and custodial dads and coparenting arrangements, it is a distortion of fact about how families are living their lives every day. We need to move away from the assumption of the "weekend dad" because in reality, most noncustodial parents - dads and moms - are serving as a part of their children's lives, even if they don't see them every day.

And what is the bar Flanagan sets for men with kids but without marriage? "If a man is willing to contribute 70% of his income to the child's upbringing, dedicate himself around the clock to the child's well-being and create a stable home life — a home life that includes his actually living there with mother and child — he might be able to give his child the boon of fatherhood without having to tie the knot." Wow. It's a wonder any child survives.

Finally, while I wholeheartedly agree that in most cases both parents should be fully involved in their children's lives after divorce or separation, we need to remember that the most important things in a child's life are love, support, and stability. An overemphasis on the gender of the parents providing this and the subsequent psychological effects ("Few things hamper a child as much as not having a father at home") pits dads and moms against each other ("The mom may not need that man...but her children still do"), neglects same-sex couples, and isn't focused enough on the real issues facing families today: the need for quality childcare, paid family leave, and comprehensive, affordable health care.

It is ironic that Flanagan so dramatically lays out the urgent, dire need for traditional marriage, all the while treating it like tabloid matter, discussing the profound wisdom to be found in Jon and Kate, as well as more than 15 teasing links splattered throughout the piece inviting the reader to click and see: "the top 10 regrettable e-mails ... top 10 mistresses ... TIME's Sex Covers ... "top 10 skanky reality shows ... an excerpt from Elizabeth Edwards' book ... top 10 scandals of 2008." Even a "gay-marriage wedding video" and "TIME's video 'Gay Marriage in the Heartland'" -- when there was no mention of "gay" anywhere in the piece and clearly not any reference made discuss same-sex marriage.

I am disappointed that Time magazine would publish a piece so flawed. Is the "fundamental question we must ask ourselves at the beginning of the century" REALLY about the purpose of marriage? That's certainly not the most pressing question in my mind. There are as many reasons that people get married as there are why they divorce. Flanagan's attachment to traditional gender roles and relationship actually undermines the necessary steps that we need to make as a country to provide for our children and support moms and dads who are working hard every day to provide for their families.

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