Marie Claire has published an incredible 3-part profile on moms without custody that everyone should read. It includes Maria Housden, best-selling author, and Ellie Hull, a woman who decided to give up custody in order to "go back to school, get a decent career, and be a better mom." My participation (I am profiled on page 3) began last year, when I wrote what I consider to be my "coming out" essay about my experience as a noncustodial mom. Marie Claire editor Lea Goldman came across my story, and I fit a model that would challenge the noncustodial mom stereotypes -- women who relinquished custody of their children, not because they were forced to, but because it was the right, loving choice in the best interests of their children. Sharing my story emboldened me, and the incredibly supportive response I received from colleagues, family, and friends inspired me to do more. In the year since, I launched my blog and have served as a noncustodial parent spokesperson on family issues.
So, having come such a long way from initially spilling my personal story, I was a bit shocked to see the headline ("What Kind of Mother Leaves Her Kids?"), with my name listed beneath it. I was afraid to read it at first -- but it is my story, more raw and personal than I have ever seen it in print, but honest. And it is my hope that other noncustodial moms will read it and realize they are not alone. That we all rethink gendered assumptions around parenting. And that school authorities, medical professionals, and others in position in our children's lives will afford noncustodial moms a little more respect.
I am so grateful to Marie Claire - and Lea Goldman in particular - for their dedication to a story that expands the narrative of noncustodial moms beyond Britney Spears tabloid. The subtitle of the piece reads, "Divorcing dads give up custody every day. Increasingly, so do moms. So why are they judged more harshly for it?" I also appreciate that they included a note at the conclusion of the piece titled "Who Gets the Kids," which helps explain the basics of child custody, something a lot of people do not know.
For those interested in reading more about the challenges that noncustodial moms and dads face in raising our children, I encourage you to check out my recent interview with CoParenting 101.
16 comments:
Rebekah - Your courage to tell your story is amazing. Only a hug could tell you how proud I am to know you.
Rebekah,
This is so moving. Congrats to Marie Claire for a well done piece, and to you for your ongoing work to raise awareness of non-custodial mothers.
Michele Wucker
http:/www.wucker.com
Thank you Rebekah. I see my son three days a week but his father has primary custody. A very difficult decision, but one that was best for my son.
Is there any data available? i.e. do you consider your situation and all the associated familial and economic variables a statistically significant data point?
I'm asking as an anomaly/outlier in nearly every respect, something which I keep in mind as I go about my informal daily pedagogy on all things me (made necessary by job, education, etc.)
Thanks all for your comments and support!! In answer to the question raised, I believe the numbers of noncustodial moms are somewhere around 2.2 million in the US, and increasing. So, I believe we comprise a statistically significant data point:)
Hi Rebekah! It's was terrific to read your story along with my own in the new Marie Claire. Much love and strength to you on the journey you are on. I was searching to see what other "mom blogs" had picked up the article (as Lea said she had been submitting it round) and came across your blog. Would it be alright if I link to you in my own blog/journal? I'm on Live Journal (but Blogger does not want to cooperate in allowing me to post via Open ID - http://yeyo_x.livejournal.com)
Elle, so glad to connect with you, congrats on the piece and new custody arrangement? Feel free to use anything from my blog, and shoot me an email as well!!
Every time I speak about my decision to give primary custody of my children to their father after our divorce, people seem to filter what I say through their own experience, seeing it through their own lens. This is understandable as the factors that contributed to the choices my ex-husband and I made are complex and perhaps unique to our situation. Even UNRAVELED, the book I wrote about the experience, couldn't explain everything. The fact is, I didn't 'leave' my children. I simply chose to do what divorcing fathers are expected to do every day in this country; I moved out and became the every-other-weekend parent. I did it because I love my children, because I know that their father loves them too, and because we felt it was the best, right decision for our family. Why, then, do some people bristle when they hear this? Perhaps it's because women physically give birth to a child that we assume mothers have a greater degree of responsibility to keep them physically close. Or maybe it's because a father's role in a child's life is still being defined and refined in our culture. The number of stay-at-home dads and divorced fathers with primary physical custody is growing, but it's not the norm. When people condemn a woman's decision to relinquish primary physical custody of her children to their father, they marginalize a father's ability to lovingly and responsibly parent a child. The particulars of my story or anyone else's may be interesting, but they distract us from the real issue which is why the double standard? If both parents love a child, why should a mother's love automatically take precedence over a father's? And if this arrangement works for a family, why do others feel a need to judge it so harshly? In light of the sobering state of the economy, many people are being forced to make decisions they may not have considered otherwise, and this includes divorcing families. My hope is that our willingness to share our stories will encourage other families to do what is best and right for them and not worry about what others might think.
My former MIL once accused me of "abandoning" her "perfect" son and grandson. I did no such thing.
At one point a woman in my community told me flat out that I had done the wrong thing and that "children should be with their mothers".
Society seems to judge us pretty harshly. So glad I found this blog.
Thank-you. My son is now 17 and has lived with his Dad since the age of 6. We have an amazing relationship and are super close yet as you know, this road of being a NCM is not an easy one.
When I started this journey years ago, there were no sites like this and many times I didn't talk about my son...because to do so always gets the ole raised eyebrow treatment.
I have been meaning to comment on this site since discovering you a few months ago but its been so emotional learning I am not the only one.
In the years since my son went to live with his Dad, I have gone from being a HS dropout to earning not only my BA but an M.Ed and rising high in my field. Now that my son is older he understand this and tells me he is proud of the choices I made but again its been a hard road.
Thank you for having this space.
My mother told me about the article in Marie Claire. Thank you so much for your moving stories. There is a definite stigma and how a mother should be. I have three children. Two daughters with my ex hb, and one with a boyfriend. I helped to put my ex hb through a fire academy and put my own education and goals on hold. I played the firefighters wife for almost ten years. It never fit for me. I divorced my husband four years ago and have been struggling ever since to get my education. After losing my home, my job, and almost my mind, I woke up one night very late and it hit me like a rock, "My girls will be in a better and more structured environment if I let them go live their father;I will never get out of my own mess if I don't do this now." Since April 2009 my little girls ages 8 and 11 are now living with their father and new wife, new baby brother, and their older sister in a home they just bought. Am I bitter about his perfect life? Yes, I am. I won't deny it. However, he is a great father and they are very loved. I decided I have to make a better life for myself. I don't want to continue to survive on food stamps and child support. That's me. I deserve a future, and so does my son. I see my daughter's two weekends a month and our relationship is better than ever. No more living like a gypsy for my babies. I've enrolled at University of Phoenix to get my AA in Medical Records, I moved into a one bedroom apartment in a nice area of my city, and I feel for the first time my life will get better and everyone will benefit. Thank you for this forum. I don't feel alone anymore.
I have just found this website and wish I would have 15 years ago when I decided my sons would be better with their father because I felt he was the better parent.
15 years later it is still tough, and a struggle but I have made it this far and hopefully will make it another 15 years.
The fears of my sons (ages 21, 20, 16)hating me are still very much a reality in my life. Two of them are doing better, but the younger one is not.
I believe this is an important issue today, and would will continue to check in to hear from others in my situation.
Thank you for all the wonderful stories.
STL MOM
Not sure why it took me so long to find you, as a non-cust mother by choice, I felt my boys deserved a voice as to where they lived. After 5 years of long distance parenting, many flights back and forth between Colorado and Seattle, I have found this community, and partly due to the Today show spot. Thanks for being around, I am blogging as well at http://longdistancemother.blogspot.com, and have written a book about the last 4 years, how I made the decision, how I handled the grief, and how the boys managed without me. No publishers yet, but maybe someday they will see how important these stories are! Thanks again :)
The hardest part for me is the fact that I miss my two daughters very much. I decided to let my girls live with their father after years of trying to get back on my feet alone after our divorce. He is successful firefighter and is remarried with a new baby boy. He just moved into his grandmothers home, which is big and beautiful, while she moved to a retirement community. I simply could not give my girls what they needed, wanted, and deserved. I decided to go back to school full time and focus on caring for my own new baby boy who is now 18 months old. I moved into a one-bedroom apartment and I'm trying very hard to make a secure life for my son and myself. I hope that one day we can go back to 50% shared custody. Their father doesn't always let me talk to my daughters and even after getting my oldest a cell phone, he keeps it in his bedroom and turned off until he lets them call me. It is very hard for me to understand his mentality. It just seems cruel. He has it in his head that I don't want my daughters-this is the farthest from the truth. In the beginning he agreed to taking our daughters, then after a month, his wife realized how hard this would be on her and changed her mind, and his. After going to court and telling the court I want a better life for my girls right now, they took my side and gave custody to my ex spouse. I think he is angry with me. I now go to my littlest daughters gymnastics practice to watch her while their step mother watches on and gives me dirty looks. But I don't care. I know in my heart I did what was best for my girls as of right now. I love them terribly and feel very alone in my decision. I'm happy I found this website.
I have just discovered this blog and have never posted a comment before, so please bear with me! I was especially touched by two comments posted by Anonymous, the former spouse of a firefighter. I chose to leave my husband of 24 years in December 2008, leaving sole custody of my three teenagers, now ages 19, 17, and 14 to him. It was the most difficult decision I have ever made, and also the most painful. After being married all my adult life and living in an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive and controlling relationship, my own physical and mental health suffered greatly. After struggling with anxiety attacks, weight loss, and depression so severe that I could no longer perform my job, began self-mutilation by cutting and thoughts of suicide, I knew something had to change or I would die. This is when I gave my spouse the choice to leave and let me finish raising the children and care for the house. He refused to leave. I was desperate to get out of my marriage so I took a small one bedroom apartment with few possessions, no furniture, and very little money. It was the best decision I ever made. My ex-husband told my children I did not love them, was having an affair (I was not) and he wanted me back except for how my infidelity. Of course, my children wanted to remain with their father and I also could not financially support them and also needed time to heal emotionally and physically myself. Am I bitter over my ex-husband's poisoning my children, especially when he was abusive and disrespectful to me and even slept with my friend??? Of course I am!!! Have I told my children any of the sordid intimate details of how their father treated me during our marriage? Of course not! My children are just beginning to heal from their anger towards me. I just moved two hours away to begin a new life, began to date, am to start a new job, and regained my health. Hopefully, my children can see the difference in their mother and realize what they saw in marriage and family life in the past is NOT what they want to emulate in their own futures. I can only continue to work on my own future, rebuild my life and health, and keep open lines of communication with my children. Some day as they mature, they will perhaps see the bigger picture of things and realize their father was and is not the man they think he is. God bless all of you for listening to me. I will pray for all of you also. Thank you!!!
Hello from Canada, Small town 26 year old leaves small town 33 year old with sons 5 & 3. That was practically the front page header. For the past 13 years I have been struggling with my decision to let my boys go with their Dad. He had money and a huge support system and I had just lost my parents in a car accident a year prior and was basically alone. He swore he would be fair but he lied. My oldest son now 17 will not have anything to do with me and my 15 year old just "broke up" with me. He told me to forget about him. I have two beautiful daughters and have just passed my 11th year of the happiest marriage I know if but my boys are in my heart and mind always. I nursed them, I loved them, I struggled to maintain a relationship with them. Their Dad would always say they had to get off the phone to do homework or they could only visit for a day or so because they had hockey practice or a birthday party to go to. I love them so much. Thank you all for your posts. Reading this makes me feel better knowing that I am not alone on this journey. :o)
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