Thanks so much to the Today Show, Marie Claire, and the many media outlets who have picked up this important piece, highlighting noncustodial moms in an honest, postive way -- and also supporting dads who are just as equally great caregivers as moms are! We need to consider as a society what we are saying about dads when we insist that moms should get the kids.
Also, it is a reminder that every family is different, and custody decisions are very complex. As parents we make the best decisions we can with the best interests of our kids at heart:)
Here's the video:
8 comments:
I am a noncustodial mother, EVP of the National Association of Non Custodial Moms, Inc. (www.nancm.org) I've walked in those shoes. Unlike the two women highlighted in this story, this walk is not one I chose, but one that was forced upon me by a family court. I wanted to protect and nurture my son; the family court felt that, while I was a good protector and nurturer, I wasn't THE BEST for him. In addition to the stares and glares I received from others, I had to reconcile that bitter pill within myself.
Of the two million noncustodial mothers in this country today, there are many of them who are in the same category. Additionally, there are more that do NOT have the blessing of having a custodial parent that is supportive of the noncustodial's relationship with the child. Those women, unfortunately, experience great emotional distress, not knowing where to turn or how to deal with the "what next?" after losing custody of their child in a courtroom, even moreso when that decision comes at the end of a lengthy, highly confrontational court hearing like mine was (lasted over seven years).
The National Association of Non Custodial Moms, Inc. provides resources for noncustodial mothers to women faced with the question, "what next?" There is a link to a discussion board where other mothers can discuss any issue with regard to custody, child rearing, maintaining a local or long-distance relationship with their child(ren), or just to bond with other parents in general.
I, like Rebecca, was featured in a magazine article last year - Ebony Magazine - and I am happy to see that other publications and media outlets are starting to shed light on this trend and remove the stigma and taboo that society places on mothers who - while they are STILL MOTHERS - simply have a less-active role in their children's daily lives. It doesn't make them less a mother, it just makes them slightly different, and definitely not foreign or alien.
Kudos Rebekah!!!
Great job, Rebekah. Kudos indeed.
My mother told me about the article in Marie Claire. Thank you so much for your moving stories. There is a definite stigma and how a mother should be. I have three children. Two daughters with my ex hb, and one with a boyfriend. I helped to put my ex hb through a fire academy and put my own education and goals on hold. I played the firefighters wife for almost ten years. It never fit for me. I divorced my husband four years ago and have been struggling ever since to get my education. After losing my home, my job, and almost my mind, I woke up one night very late and it hit me like a rock, "My girls will be in a better and more structured environment if I let them go live their father;I will never get out of my own mess if I don't do this now." Since April 2009 my little girls ages 8 and 11 are now living with their father and new wife, new baby brother, and their older sister in a home they just bought. Am I bitter about his perfect life? Yes, I am. I won't deny it. However, he is a great father and they are very loved. I decided I have to make a better life for myself. I don't want to continue to survive on food stamps and child support. That's me. I deserve a future, and so does my son. I see my daughter's two weekends a month and our relationship is better than ever. No more living like a gypsy for my babies. I've enrolled at University of Phoenix to get my AA in Medical Records, I moved into a one bedroom apartment in a nice area of my city, and I feel for the first time my life will get better and everyone will benefit. Thank you for this forum. I don't feel alone anymore.
Wow, what an interesting piece.
I am a married, SAHM ... and thought I knew how I would feel about a Mom that "gives up" her children. But this has showed a new perspective of the issue to me.
Thanks for sharing this and opening my eyes a bit :)
Just discovered your blog, and I learned something almost immediately: There are 2.2 million non-custodial moms. Assume that's from the census bureau, or some such.
I don't see much about non-custodial fathers here, but I assume we're welcome?
Thanks.
Paul Raeburn
Fathers and Families blog
Hi Paul, welcome!! Definitely want dads involved here, this site is for noncustodial parents -both moms and dads! Although recent news has been about moms, I write about dads too, here are some recent blogposts:
http://ncp-community.blogspot.com/2009/06/op-ed-media-missing-committed-fathers.html
http://ncp-community.blogspot.com/2009/06/honoring-fathers-today.html
http://ncp-community.blogspot.com/2009/06/dad-shares-his-experience-as-non.html
Best,
Rebekah,
Custody was bought. The day a dollar is more important than a family is the saddest day in America. I've seen this day. It consequently crushed my world. I had been the primary caregiver of three kids under 7 yrs of age; two girls and a boy. I had never a problem nor a record of any kind with mental illness, addictions, or abuse. I have taught Sunday school. This doesn't happen to good people...that very question was the one I asked repeatedly after my experience, after a diagnosis of ptsd. Again, I restate, I had no record of any kind. The abuse of the system blew up in my face like a bomb. Leaving me with my world shattered, feeling like I hadn't been a good mom, didn't protect them (as a result of not being able to buy them). I received legal counsel which has since been deemed negligent and most certainly breach of duty. But, I only lost children. I didn't lose money, a business, an item of value...so, there is a giant loophole of protection, and these lawyers know it. I have to live with what he did (or, didn't do!). And, he drives home to his wife and kids in his new Mercedes after destroying the world of families for the day. I was an idealistic, optimistic spirit who at worst just wanted to share custody. The abuser won. Well, technically the abuser and the system put in place, I wrongly thought, to protect me/families. I'm happy it turned out well for others, but let us not turn our back or choose to believe there is a very sad reality destroying American families. Custody to the highest bidder.
Custody should not be an assumption of parenting skills, either parent is capable. But, for right now, those mom's that thought they were doing to right thing keeping their kids out of daycare, raising them, focusing on the marriage and family are thanklessly smacked across the face with Ben Franklin. Is this equality? Equal parenting rights...talk to me about "equal" parenting rights. This is a slope of moral and ethical decay. The facts of who "fights" for custody should speak loudly. In my case taking custody by whatever means was part of the abuse. It was the ultimate abuse. He got away with tearing out my heart. Being the mother I never had was my only goal. At the time, I believed that included a relationship with both parents; the divorce was between the parents and not the kids. I represent the personality that is most taken advantage of. Money didn't make up my world...my family did. Money eventually destroyed it. People, this is not "children's best interests" at work here. It is not "equal rights" or "equal parenting." Work with me to see change come about through legislation. We should be ashamed it has come to this. Yes, I was already aware the system had flaws, this crosses the lines of humanity and everyone should find it appalling. It heads parenting in the wrong direction and begs of your attention.
Post a Comment