- Anonymous said... "Any woman that does not get custody of her children either has something very wrong with her or she did something very wrong. I am a single father of four with sole custody of them and as far as I am concerned every non-custodial mother out there deserves to endure a lifetime of stigma and shame. And by the way, make sure you pay your child support to the father who has dedicated his life to the children that you abandoned." September 29, 2011 3:09 PM
- That's the latest comment to the feature article in Brain, Child titled "Mothering From Afar" that featured three noncustodial moms (myself included). The articles discussed the challenges we face as noncustodial parents, the gendered expectations around parenting, and the unique stigma that we face as moms who don't live with our kids.... but clearly the humanity did not sink in for everyone.
- We all face dark days when we feel alone. Hopefully there are days of hope and celebration to balance out those dark days, but that's not true for everyone. In my case, the more I come out of my shell and tell my story, the more I find people willing to listen, and the better I feel. Comments on these articles trickle into my inbox, and much as I would prefer to bear entirely happy news, the truth is there are people who are bitter from their own experiences or unwilling for whatever reason to allow space in their hearts and minds for others. I'm sorry to share such a miserable comment from this sad person, but I think it's important to recognize it's not all in our heads. People don't always say it to our faces - in fact, I've rarely encountered someone who has - but it's made clear to us in non-verbal ways how we are being judged. And those anonymous folks will continue to post hateful things.
- But I am even more amazed by the show of support. For every comment "Inexcusable for a mom to give up her babies" or "you are just plain selfish" there are others from other noncustodial moms, from parents of both genders who understand the difficult decisions we are forced to make, and from people who are themselves the product of divorce... It's there at Brain, Child, as well as the TODAY show discussion board, Marie Claire, and NYT Motherlode.
- Thanks so much to everyone who has chimed into the online conversation at some point and added a voice of support for families who need it!!
I am sorry for what annonymous posted. When my son was 2, I worked out of state and was commuting on weekends. My son was with his father,as there was / is a support system. I came home one weekend and started to take Sammy for a ride to spend some alone time with him. Due to a previous situation where I left and didn't come back for a week, the father blocked me at the door, ripped Sammy out of my arms, threatened to kill me with a gun in hand. Yes, I called the police, the police arrived, took statements and because I stated I pushed the father, I was the one who got arrested.
ReplyDeleteSince I work in healthcare, I could not have this on my record, to get the charge deleted I had to go to anger management classes, which I completed with flying colors. He filed for divorce, got custody and I was so afraid of him, not to mention the fact that he had to control e verything to the point he began to tell my son his mother was dead. I could not disrupt his life by jumping back into his life, this was bearable because my daughter was able to see him everyother weekend, this went on for five years. Out of the blue I received a call from children services wanting to know if I was Sammy's mother and would I be willing to take and raise him. I replied absolugtely!! That's when it all started, I retained an attorney and bevgan to go for full custody, he was inappropriately alleged to be abusing his daughter and beating his other children, which proved to be true, however he has more money than I and won custody again, my son is now 12 and the ironic part of this whole story is; from the moment we were re-introduced, he has always called me Mom and wants to live with me...for punishment he makes my son drink vinegar,at age 11, he was left in a hotel room in a city where he knew no one and was there for eight hours. He has left my son with sitters because his new wife didn't want him home without his father, told my son he would fix it so he would never see me again. My comment is this, do not judge until you walk in my shoes. And, yes I pay child support. Thank you. Beth
People are going to think what they are going to think. Personally, I don't find it necessary to try to change anyone's mind. I know I've done nothing "wrong," and frankly feel sorry for custodial fathers who are full of negativity toward NCMs. To those of you who spend energy advocating for the cause of NCMs, thank you.
ReplyDeleteLady Beth, lots of moms are in your shoes! When there is abuse involved, issues all around are elevated. Things don't work the same as a custody battle without the abuse. There are supportive communities specifically for these issues. Even though you have not mentioned physical bruises that you have sustained, you will still find much support with a battered mothers group or protective mothers group. You are not alone, there are a lot of us, and we support each other through the daily fear one experiences when their children are abused and we can do nothing about it. American Mothers Political Party has lots of info on this issue.
ReplyDeletenon-custodial parents make up 42% of the voting population. Add just one family member and you have 84% of the US voting population. The minute these families unite and become a lobby all these issues will be resolved.
ReplyDeleteTo anonymous. I am married to a non-custodial mother. She raised her other two boys without issue. She had a child with a lunatic psychopath and we have been in court for 6 years. HE does everything including perjury to keep her son from him. The pain she goes thru is similar if not worse than post tramatic stress. You are an effin idiot and you have no right to say a GD word as far as I can tell. What an uneducated, uninformed SOB you seem to be. See, anyone can just throw their crap out there, just like you did, w\o regard to what is really going on in the lives of others. Hitler thought and acted just like that. Look in the mirror.
ReplyDeleteIn response to Anonymous (Sept 29th)...I am a non-custodial mother. I endured the stigma, the shame, the guilt. Those emotions with the accompanying sadness actually did nothing to appropriately help raise the children. Those emotions were only in my mind and soul. And those emotions are only a response to a thought. Thoughts come first...and sometimes our negative thoughts are so insidious and automatic, we haven't realized we thought anything, and often believe we can't control our feelings. Change the thought consciously and the feeling/emotion will change. You are not dedicated. You may tell yourself or even try to tell others that you're dedicated to your children, but the intensity in your opinion detracts from your aspiration to be dedicated. More likely, you are hurting your children with your attitude. Your children will grow up with some traits of codependency because of their broken family (regardless of any other dynamic,) and your children will grow up with more significant traits of codependency because of your attitude. Whether you teach them your attitude directly (via opinion or instruction) or indirectly (via blame, complaint, rants, rages, controlling, behavior, etc,) you must acknowlegde the scenario you are contributing to. If you do not have insight, you are in denial. You are wise enough to put your opinion into words and post it...perhaps you will be wise enough to look into codependency, for the benefit of your children's future relationships. And, "Yes, I pay child support." ...from claire (no need to be anonymous)
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